अनकही #14

She’s 20, in college. This is the first time she’s heard the definition of domestic violence. Her friend, who got married three years ago, is telling her about it. But what Gargi doesn’t understand is why her friend is telling her this, and not her the authorities. Why will you not come forward? She asks her when her friend declines to tell anyone. She’s frustrated. “For shame,” her friend replies.

Gargi, married at 28, a Master of Art post-graduate, now 55, leads a happy life with her husband and her family. Of course, she shared, they fight sometimes. But he has never abused her, and for that she is grateful. At the same time, she is surrounded by violence around her, and during our conversation, she shared her experiences of witnessing violence and interacting with the victims. 

“Violence is very common—everyone knows. 99% of the time, from what I have seen, it happens against wives who are wedded from other places, and then brought to their husband’s houses. Wives who don’t belong to the husband’s locality,” Gargi explained the role of location and identification in the occurrence and frequency of Domestic Violence. She further shared how at the centre of most violence cases lies money. “Money is the main cause. See, everyone wants to send their kids to school, in any way they can. And the problem is, the husbands don’t work, if rarely, and all the wives work. They have to. Anywhere they can find.” She told me how this when mixed with the presence of alcohol, can become a recipe for disaster. “Most nights the husbands will come back drunk. When they want alcohol, they also want greed. They don’t care about the kids, whether there is food at home or not, clothes for the weather or not, notebooks and stationery are available or not. They only want greed. And the mother cannot tolerate this. So, she gets hit.”

Deeper into our conversation, Gargi replied with a firm “Yes” when I asked her if violence was so common it had been deemed unworthy of discussion. She shared that most men, almost 98% of them, have the same mentality. Exceptions occur if they are well-educated and qualified, but otherwise, when such men increase in number, violence only increases, it will never reduce. “And everyone somehow wants to find faults in the wife for experiencing violence, as if it was their responsibility. People will ask, ‘When you know he is drunk, why are you questioning him?’ ‘Why do you speak back to him? Of course, you will get hit.’ But the husband will drink every day, so when should the wife ask the questions? Questions she is fully entitled to.”

Gargi firmly believes that education and financial independence can protect a woman from violence. “Education is so, so important. So is being independent. It is paramount. And you will always find that in educated households, such cases are rare if any. Because they know. And not only education but also the law. The law is helpful, but many cases are unable to reach it.” When asked why this is, Gargi confessed, with a small smile that there is always only shame and respect that stops anyone. The woman is afraid of being ashamed and disrespected, and so they think not taking any action is the right thing to do. “They will tolerate anything, everything. They will suffocate every day. They will give up living, and continue to barely survive. But they will not come forward. And for what? For shame.”